Vulnerable.
I thought I knew the definition of this word but here recently, I’ve recognized that I, in fact, did not. I always thought that vulnerability was a culmination of sharing the worst of yourself with others, being, honest, open, and transparent. Over the past month I’ve come to see that being vulnerable requires all of these things but those things are not the heart of what it means to be vulnerable.
Vulnerable? If anyone would have asked me a month ago if I was vulnerable I would have said yes, confidently without thought. I am very transparent, very honest, and very open with communicating my truth. I actually prided myself on this. About 4 weeks ago I was challenged to really take a look at my life and evaluate what vulnerability meant.
Around this same time God asked me to stop writing temporarily. It was hard to do this. I realized that so much of my writing was still about approval, praise, acceptance, and affirmation. I was writing in light of needing recognition and not in light of what God might have been asking or not asking me to communicate. So I paused writing. Writing had also been the place where I could bare my soul without having to face the true and genuine responses that people might have. I was safe from rejection and judgement from people who really don’t know me that well.
Not writing for the past month gave me the opportunity to explore very real face to face conversations with people who know me, love me, care for me, and invest in me. I was forced to bare my soul to them and face the possibility of rejection and judgement from the people I love the very most. I was challenged to share things I’ve never been able to share, communicate feelings that I think are absurd, and take ownership of relationships that I thought I couldn’t.
In this space, the true meaning of the word vulnerable was unveiled to me. Being vulnerable is facing the possibility of encountering your worst fear when sharing something very real and dear to your heart. It is basically being open to being triggered.
FEAR
For me, my biggest fear is being rejected. It’s something I’ve faced my whole life so I have built up a defense mechanism with people I love in not sharing my truth with them in order to keep from scaring or pushing them away. I avoid telling them the things that I think will cause me to be rejected. I find ways to manipulate my words so that what I’m sharing comes off more acceptable. I hide behind my knowledge and wisdom and put up a front that I’m strong and that I can handle anything when really, I cannot.
Another area of fear for me is perception. I fear that when people know or find out certain things about me that their perception of me will change. So I work hard to make sure that everyone likes me and has a good view of me. The past month I’ve been challenged to be vulnerable in not trying to look good. Saying no to invites despite the possibility of people saying I’m self-centered, communicating that I don’t want a hug despite the possibility of people saying I’m insensitive and mean, and communicating hard truths to my friends despite the possibility of them getting upset with me.
CLOSE
I think so many times in my life I’ve been vulnerable only to be met with rejection and judgement. So now, as an adult the challenge has been being able to face the POSSIBILITY of being rejected has been heavy and I’ve questioned if it was even worth it. But, as God has been forcing me to share very deep and triggering things with people who I really thought would be done with me, I’ve been becoming more and more comfortable with who I REALLY am and who God has called me to be. I’ve discovered that only in true vulnerability can I be truly accepted because outside of that, people are only accepting a false version of myself that I portray to them. It’s a mind trick that I play on myself to shelter myself from rejection and judgement of the truth of my heart.
What I also found is that the people who love me, love me even more in vulnerability. I haven’t actually had to face rejection but I was challenged to be vulnerable enough to face it if it happened.
I believe ultimately that we all have something that we fear that keeps us from being truly vulnerable with those around us. We turn to Instagram and Facebook to employ the parts of ourselves that we want people to see in an effort to be accepted and loved. We #realtalk and #nofilter but the “real talk” and “no filters” are actually facades. We say that we don’t care what people think but we really do and guess what, that’s okay.
Jesus died and rose so that we could be vulnerable. His death, life, and resurrection gives us the ability to live free of the law (religious facades of goodness) and be completely honest about who we are.
TO BE CONTINUED
I don’t have much more to say about this. I think that I’ll be writing about vulnerability for a while but this is my brain dump for now and I hope that maybe it encourages someone to take a step towards being vulnerable, facing fears, and even salvation.