… I had abandoned where God had placed me. I found comfort in the idea of moving forward, changing, and transitioning out of what I thought was bad. Loving and being with God was not enough for me. But all throughout these feelings, thoughts, movements, and discomfort I kept hearing God’s voice in a whisper “Be Still”. So, I finally stopped fidgeting and I got still.

We have created a culture of privacy and performance that has robbed us of being who we truly are in the faces of others, ourselves, and ultimately our Father God. We are confined to the expectations, thoughts, and opinions of what others will think of us if we bare the truth of who we are at all times because the truth can be ugly.

Emotional healing starts here. It starts with acknowledging that your current emotions do not match what God says or even what the people around you are experiencing and not condemning yourself for it. It’s being at peace with that fact and understanding that God sees you and knows every part of you.

The move to LA was in fact God’s intervention and it was the best thing I’ve done (besides walking with the Jesus). God was in it all along (even though my pride and insecurity were very much in it too). It makes me think the discomfort I ran from for so long was actually him chasing after me. Through it, I’ve been blessed with the gift of consistency that is completely opposite of what I perceived consistency to be. 

I’ve been challenged to combat fear in ways I’ve never had to. I’ve been challenged to put my weight on the things God has whispered to me, even the things I think are delusional. In reality, the things God says to me are probably delusional but they aren’t to him, they’re actually very small from his view in comparison to the things he has planned.

I’ve found myself in some situations that have tested my faith in ways that I’ve never been tested. I have found myself begging God to deliver me from my hardships, provide for my needs, and make me feel better. I’ve felt defeated, helpless, and unseen by God. I’ve had moments of crying out to God “I know you love me but I don’t feel it”.

I’ve discovered that only in true vulnerability can I be truly accepted because outside of that, people are only accepting a false version of myself that I portray to them. It’s a mind trick that I play on myself to shelter myself from rejection and judgement of the truth of my heart.

I’ve always felt unseen, unheard, ignored, and unimportant. I began to see myself as worthless and as a burden to those that I am closest to. I often feel like no one cares for me…This is probably one of the hardest things for me to write about because it’s still very much a struggle for me. It’s one of those things that runs deep. It’s rooted and it’s something that is definitely taking some time to process. The beauty in this is that I’m beginning to be able to distinguish between the truth and the lies.

My feelings of guilt and shame usually feel the strongest right after I’ve realized what I’ve done or realized that I’m not “changing.” I try speaking into my situation that “Guilt is not of God” and “There is therefore now no condemnation…” I even try to remember that “we all sin and fall short…” I know it, yet, I don’t always feel it.

I thought I was better, more equipped, more ready, and more deserving. I found myself looking at other people and (to myself) pointing out things in their life I felt disqualified them from the level of elevation or success that they were given (comparison).

What I didn’t know is that being Christian is not about being or doing good things. It’s not about changing my outward actions and behaviors to receive and be in God’s good graces (that’s legalism). It’s not about being controlled because God is not controlling but rather he gives me the choice to surrender control to him (trust him)

It brought me to a question that I had to really sit with. Am I content with God alone? Could I be okay without seminary, without ministry, without success, without marriage, without financial abundance for the sake of knowing Christ?

After repressing and suppressing for so long, my feelings and emotions began to subconsciously rule my life without me knowing. As a result, I had given real estate in my heart to pain, trauma, anger, and resentment. Something that might have happened years ago that I thought I’d moved on from would come up and I’d feel affected or triggered in moments that weren’t related.

I’m not saying working hard and putting in effort is a bad thing, I’m saying I’ve had to really check my heart on my motives for working hard and often neglecting the one who I say I’m doing things for, “God”… I talk my self into not giving up or saying no because of what people may think of me. I think of who I will disappoint, what opportunities may slip away, and what I may miss out on if I don’t just persevere. Rest is often the furthest thing from my mind. I find myself at times doing so much and saying yes to things even if it means I don’t spend personal time with God.

I found out that I tried to create a persona of who I wanted to be seen as. I saw my pride. I saw my arrogance. I saw my deceit. I saw my insecurity. I saw my weakness. I recognized why I fell into certain sin and traps in my past. I found out I was placing my identity in everything except him.