Run Free.
Writing to and about God is something I’ve wanted to do my entire life (I started writing poetry about God when I was 4) but I’ve allowed INSECURITY, the opinions of others, envy, pride, and perfection to quell the desire. My insecurity often made me feel inadequate in comparison to other people in ministry who write and share about God. I’d say things like “who am I to do this, I have no credentials or credibility?” or “What are people going to think of me, I don’t want people to think I’m trying to be a know it all”. I felt so unqualified to my own standards and have blatantly not done what I God’s placed on my heart to do. I put a great amount of thought and effort into every single post instead of just allowing myself to be effortlessly expressive. On one hand I was trying to prove my knowledge, prove my wisdom, prove that I’m called, and prove that I receive revelations from God. On the other hand, I would filter myself to be agreeable, careful not to step on toes, disagree with leaders or risk the possibility of people viewing me differently. I felt pressure to write good things and to write things that moved people spiritually and emotionally, but I also felt pressure not to disappoint God or do something that would mess up/false start his plan for my life. But I’ve realized that pressure truly opposes purpose. Recently, I had an experience where God allowed me to see his impact on people through me when I write freely and boldly walk in who he says I am. It touched me and reignited within me a deep desire to write openly and in complete vulnerability.
This experience also challenged me to reflect on the heart of why I want to share about God, why I write, and the things I’ve written. So, I asked my mom about my writing when I was younger. She told me that when I was a very small child I’d write poems and encouraging notes to people that would deeply affect them. It was effortless. I asked God how I lost this and he told me “you stopped being a child”. That was crazy for me because for the past few weeks I’ve been on a journey with God in showing me how to walk like a child in regards to life in general. My prayer has been that he’d teach me how to be a daughter and show me that boldness and authority to do what he’s called me to do actually flow from being a child, not a leader, not a pastor, and not from the affirmation of others but from being affirmed as a child.
This was a concept I thought I had understood and internalized, but what he revealed to me is that I was still striving. He gave me a vision of myself wrapped around his leg, holding on for dear life, as he walks (kind of like how a kid would wrap themselves around their parents leg as they walk). In this visual I saw that I was exuding a great amount of energy and effort in holding on to God, my father, as he moved. In this vision he picked me up from his leg and held me as he walked. I realized that my relationship with God had consisted with me exerting a great amount of effort to be close to God, to remain in step with him, and to have intimacy with him. I realized that I don’t have to hold on when I can be held. Over the past 2 years I’ve heard the statement “stop striving and be a daughter” but my response to that has just always been to try harder to be a daughter. I was striving to be a daughter when that’s who I am already.
With this in mind I again asked God, “Sooooooo what does this look like. How am I to be a daughter?” He gave me another visual of myself running through a field, arms spread, wind hitting my face, eyes closed, and smiling. I heard him say, Run Free. This pierced my soul and honestly challenged me to stop worrying, striving, and being afraid. So, here I am. with a desire to not just write but to talk about God, boldly share and be vulnerable. Hopefully as a result I’ll help someone know God more deeply, reach freedom, promise, and emotional healing in their lives. I’m going to do it no matter how many people read or respond. I’m going to run free. I’m not saying that I’m not going to get discouraged and I’m not saying that I wont have moments where those things do matter, I’m saying that I’m learning to be a daughter.
On another note, God has challenged me to open up in my most emotional and intimate space of writing, my prayer journal. Prayer journaling is one of the most intimate places that I share with God. It’s the place where writing comes most naturally to me. It’s my safe space but I realized it’s the place where I’m the most vulnerable with God and where I have experienced the most healing in my life. He’s challenged me to share some of these very personal and raw journal entries periodically. This is difficult. I am very hesitant to post these because of (again) fear of how people will view me or think of the things that I’m saying. But, it can’t be about that. So, I’ve added a category to my blog called Personal Prayers. There are only a few posted for now and they are dated for when I wrote them. I’ll be slowly posting these but you can read them if you desire.