Relationship.
I want to give insight into my life before I had a deep Relationship with God, before I began to understand what it meant to abide, and before I knew him intimately and personally. If you’ve been reading my previous posts, then you know that I’m a preacher’s child. BOTH of my parents are ordained pastors; they were lead pastors most of my life. I was born into this life. I was born into the word of God. I was born into praise and worship. Going to church and participating in church things was a huge part of my life but I honestly did not know God.
As I got older, I became burned out on church. I never read the word of God and I never prayed. I went to church out of obligation and because I was told to. Throughout high school, I’d have moments of turning to God or raising my hand to be saved when I was in deep spaces of guilt or when I got in trouble at home, however, my relationship with God was non-existent. I thought of God as this big authority figure who deserved praise, respect, and honor but not as a father who I could personally connect to.
When I went to college I completely forgot about God altogether (luckily, he didn’t forget about me). I went to church a total of 5 times in 5 years and I honestly didn’t even identify as being saved but I believed in God. I was sinning in the worst ways but I’d throw a prayer up every now and then when I found myself in tough situations. I’d pray “Lord, let this professor have grace for me” when I was too lazy to do my work or I’d been out all night. Of course I prayed the “Lord, please help me get out of this and I’ll never do it again” prayer knowing I wasn’t going to actually change (attempting to manipulate God). I used scripture to justify certain things to other people but I was completely disconnected from the words I spoke. On occasion I’d encourage others with what I knew of God and even in trials I’d think of how Jesus would want me to respond but then find myself drunk hours later. I was extremely passive with God. I was living my best life (so I thought), living the way I wanted to live, doing the things I wanted to do, and saying whatever I wanted to say. I thought I was living in “freedom”.
When I finally started going to church more consistently (twice a month lol) and paying my tithes (every Sunday), nothing really changed. I was in church on Sundays but Monday through Saturday I was not thinking about God. I would leave church feeling inspired and hours later forget I was a Christian. I would go engage in worship and shortly after go to Sunday funday and get super lit (lol). I was living a double life and all throughout this time I would be plagued with guilt and shame. I didn’t understand why nothing in my life had changed. My life was not producing any fruit that indicated I was a follower of Christ but I was “doing” (SOMETIMES) Christian things. All in all, I felt far from God so when I really needed something big from God, I’d call my mom or my God-mom and have them do the praying for me because I felt their prayers were more potent.
Why though?
I had a poor understanding of God and a misconstrued idea of what it meant to be Christian. I related being Christian to being behaviorally good. I thought that being Christian meant I couldn’t do certain things (drink, party, have fun etc.). I thought that meant I had to immediately stop doing the things I thought were “bad” in order to be loved and seen by God. Somewhere along the way I heard that “God doesn’t hear the sinner’s prayer” and that discouraged me because I didn’t feel I was strong enough to live a life free of sin. In light of this, I was resistant to living a saved life and even my fear of dying and going to hell didn’t change that. My desires to do what I wanted to do were stronger. I couldn’t bare the thought of not being able to drink and do other things that I knew, as a Christian, I would have to give up (fear because deep down these things were fulfilling me). I didn’t want to miss out on life. I wanted to fit in and still be able to have fun with my “friends.” I didn’t want to become the “holier than thou” friend or have people think I was judging them. I couldn’t imagine not doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I didn’t like the idea of having to pray about everything and surrender to an invisible and controlling God.
So what changed?
“Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.”
What I didn’t know is that being Christian is not about being good or doing good things. It’s not about changing my outward actions and behaviors to receive and be in God’s good graces (that’s legalism). It’s not about being controlled because God is not controlling but rather he gives me the choice to surrender control to him (trust him). Being Christian is about being in relationship with God; it’s about being loved, reflecting love, and allowing God’s love to change you. I recognized that I wasn’t strong enough to live a life free of sin and I that I didn’t have to be. I realized that my outward behaviors were only a glimpse of what was in my heart (what is in my heart is far worse than my outward actions) and I had no power to change my heart. Changing my outward actions were pointless without having a heart revelation of God, His love, His grace, and His mercy. I came to understand that my desires would not change the moment I gave my life to God and he didn’t expect them to (it’s a process and he actually knew my sin better than I did). He just wanted to be in relationship with me and he wanted me to spend time with him in his presence (where transformation actually takes place). He would do everything else. HE would change my desires, HE would heal my heart, HE would BE the strength I needed to turn away from my sin.
God is:
- A loving father who wants to be in a close intimate realationship with us. He wants to know us.
- He is merciful.
- He is understanding.
- He is patient.
- He is kind.
- He is forgiving and keeps no record of wrongs.
- He is a God of choice.
God is not:
- He is NOT distant.
- He is NOT mad at us.
- He is NOT the judge who hands out punshiment.
- He is NOT expecting us to be perfect.
- He does NOT expect you to change overnight.
- He is NOT controlling.
- He is NOT repulsed by your sin the way you are.
My reason for writing is because I’ve noticed a struggle among Christians, especially those who are my age (20’s & 30’s), to live a life fully devoted and sold out to God. I’ve noticed this and (in looking back at my own journey) I have come to believe that the reason we resist is because of our misconceptions about who God is and who he is not (for various reasons); we have not experienced or encountered loving relationship with Him.
I’m not dismissing the reality that surrender and living holy is required, however, God does not expect me to do it in my own strength. As I’ve grown in relationship with the Lord, I’ve found myself wanting to surrender. My desires have changed. As sons and daughters we are called to live holy and blameless, but we are not expected to live perfect (that's impossible). Living holy isn’t something you can do in your own strength and your own might it comes through relationship and union with the spirit.
“Then he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts.”
THINGS THAT HELP ME:
- Community (Cliche): God has called us as his people to reflect him and share his love with others. Through experiencing Godly community I am able to grasp what relationship with God should be like. I am also surrounded by people who won't let me slip up.
- Daily Prayer. This started off very short, like 60 seconds, but it reminds me that God is with me.
- Recognizing that I cannot, by actions or deeds, overcome sin or change my heart, only God can.
- Slowing down and taking it one day at a time.
- Understanding that I still will have bad desires but because my heart agrees with God, God honors that.
Some of you reading may have had a bad experience in church that may have turned you away from God. Some of you, like me, grew up in the church and you never fully understood the gospel or have a skewed idea of God. Maybe you view God as this huge figure who tells everyone what to do. Some of you may not have grown up around church and knew nothing of God at all. Maybe you are in that in between state where you’re trying to figure it out. No matter where you are on this journey, you’re not alone and I understand. I want to encourage you to ask God to reveal himself to you in a new and different way. Ask him to show you what relationship with him looks like and be patient with yourself.
When I moved to LA I didn’t know all of this and honestly it’s still a journey I’m on. I still have misconceptions about God and I still view him sometimes as that big mean authority figure, but in those moments I am compelled now to sit with Him and recall who the bible says that He is. It has been freeing, restoring, and transformative. No amount of good behavior and good actions could have ever been good enough change me in these ways. I still have struggles with understanding his grace and his mercy but each day he’s revealing to me deeper what those mean. It’s a process, but as I release resistance, I’m watching Him fill my heart in ways that I never even knew I needed.
I hope this encourages someone.