We have created a culture of privacy and performance that has robbed us of being who we truly are in the faces of others, ourselves, and ultimately our Father God. We are confined to the expectations, thoughts, and opinions of what others will think of us if we bare the truth of who we are at all times because the truth can be ugly.

The move to LA was in fact God’s intervention and it was the best thing I’ve done (besides walking with the Jesus). God was in it all along (even though my pride and insecurity were very much in it too). It makes me think the discomfort I ran from for so long was actually him chasing after me. Through it, I’ve been blessed with the gift of consistency that is completely opposite of what I perceived consistency to be. 

I’ve found myself in some situations that have tested my faith in ways that I’ve never been tested. I have found myself begging God to deliver me from my hardships, provide for my needs, and make me feel better. I’ve felt defeated, helpless, and unseen by God. I’ve had moments of crying out to God “I know you love me but I don’t feel it”.

I’ve always felt unseen, unheard, ignored, and unimportant. I began to see myself as worthless and as a burden to those that I am closest to. I often feel like no one cares for me…This is probably one of the hardest things for me to write about because it’s still very much a struggle for me. It’s one of those things that runs deep. It’s rooted and it’s something that is definitely taking some time to process. The beauty in this is that I’m beginning to be able to distinguish between the truth and the lies.

I thought I was better, more equipped, more ready, and more deserving. I found myself looking at other people and (to myself) pointing out things in their life I felt disqualified them from the level of elevation or success that they were given (comparison).

I found out that I tried to create a persona of who I wanted to be seen as. I saw my pride. I saw my arrogance. I saw my deceit. I saw my insecurity. I saw my weakness. I recognized why I fell into certain sin and traps in my past. I found out I was placing my identity in everything except him.

So… I feel super blessed to be diverse in my church music choices finally. So I have two GO TO playlists that I go to at different moments for different things. My “Worship 2019” playlist really helps to remind me of who I am in Christ and my “Fight” playlist helps to remind me of who God is.