What Happened.
I was reflecting and realized that before March 4, the last time I’d posted or written anything I wanted to share was in 2017. It was after I’d made the biggest move of my life and before some of the biggest changes took place within me. I said to myself “What happened in those (almost) 2 years?”
Just as soon as the thought came, I blurted “ALOT”.
I’ve shared briefly what has happened on IG captions and in person here and there but I haven’t ever fully articulated to anyone, even myself, exactly what has happened since I moved to Los Angeles.
The move was very abrupt. I just had a feeling in my heart to move (I now know it was God). One conversation with my best friend solidified it (she moved with me lol). I had so many doubts coming into it because I wasn’t following God as closely as some might have thought that I was and I never really felt I’d done my due diligence in prayer on it. Truthfully, I was afraid that God would tell me that I wasn’t supposed to move. I was nervous and scared I was making an awful decision, but, it was a decision I felt for some reason was vital to my very being. I decided I wanted to move to LA and within 2 months I was here. I rolled into LA on August 24, 2017 and on that following Sunday, August 27th, I visited OASIS Church and realized why I was in LA. I was super resistant I must say, I’d been in church my whole life and I was against the idea of being over-churched and burned out by it but still something was stirring in me that I could not ignore, so I went all in.
I joined the church, I signed up for small groups, and I joined a 13 week course on Freedom in Christ. From August to December I watched my desires change. My life literally changed before my eyes. I was coming to a deeper knowledge of God that I’d never experienced, a deeper revelation of what it means to be christian, and a revelation of just how broken I was. I found myself at the end of 2017 applying to the church internship.
Crazy right?
During this time I was reminded of a moment I will never forget. While I was living in Dallas, while I was deep in my brokenness, and inebriated I had vision. I was in my car on the 30 freeway about to exit Munger Blvd. The vision was very clear. I was on a stage in front of a lot of people…. talking about God. I remember immediately dismissing that thought and I said to myself “That will never happen. Look at me right now. It would be too hard to be a full on Christian”. I looked back on this moment and realized that was a foreshadowing from God.
I got into the 6 month Internship and God really began to unravel me. I began to recognize things about myself I had no awareness of and I began to attempt working through these things with God but I hit wall after wall. These walls led me to the word. I was in the word day in and day out. Sometimes I’d wake up at 4am and get in the word. I was burning through bible plans on the Bible App (Download it lol) all in an effort to “fix” myself not knowing that I couldn’t fix what I had seen about myself. Through this, however, I found myself falling deeply in love with God’s word. I wanted more context and more understanding, which is what led me to start Seminary. But mostly I wanted to understand HOW the word practically applied to my life. I knew the scriptures. I knew that Philippians 4:13 said I could do all things through Christ but I didn’t feel that I could. I knew the bible said that there was no fear in love but I was still afraid. This was another wall I hit.
This wall was one I could not knock down with my efforts or my works. No amount of bible reading was going to fix the problem. It was one I’d have to sit in and stew in. This led me into a dry place where I had no desire to read the bible, pray, or worship. I was burned out, AGAIN. But this time, I couldn’t run or go on another hiatus…something was different… walking away from God never even crossed my mind (as it did before). I was now about to start Seminary in just a few weeks.
The weeks went by and I began to question my decision to go to school. I wondered if this was God’s plan and if I was in over my head. I felt unqualified all of a sudden and I almost didn’t go because of course I convinced myself you need to be in a certain place to go to seminary and study theology. The first day of class I woke up nervous. I said to myself “I’ll go to this first class and if it isn’t right, I’ll drop out”. I showed up to that first class and encountered God more clearly than I ever had. I listened to one of the staff members of the Spiritual Formation program explain the program and the class. As he spoke he reiterated questions I had pondered my ENTIRE LIFE. He spoke of struggles I had never been able to articulate. He said things to the class that God has said to me personally. I sat there on SYLLABUS day and CRIED my eyes out because I knew that God had led me to Seminary and I knew this was exactly where I was supposed to be.
So… What happened?
I was on a journey. I found true relationship with God. I found out that my imperfections and downfalls are okay. I found that my whole life I’d been chasing purpose when my purpose was in him all along. I found out the reason I never fit in. I found out the reason why I could never finish things that I’d started. I realized how my failed dating life and terrible choices in men were a deep cry for attention and acceptance. I found out that I started “thekimlewis” (gross) to make myself seem important. I found out that I tried to create a persona of who I wanted to be seen as. I saw my pride. I saw my arrogance. I saw my deceit. I saw my insecurities. I saw my weaknesses. I recognized why I fell into certain sin and traps in my past. I found out I was placing my identity in everything except him. I found out that I could not, in my own strength, change any of this or my internal desires. I found out how I still struggle with those things, now, even though I thought I faith(ed) them away.
I found out just how desperately I need God. I’m still finding out just how desperately I need God.
“ I found out that I tried to create a persona of who I wanted to be seen as. I saw my pride. I saw my arrogance. I saw my deceit. I saw my insecurity. I saw my weakness.”
SUGGESTED SCRIPTURES:
- Colossians 2:13-15
- 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
- Ephesians 1
- Psalm 139
- Philipians 3:7-9
- Romans 12:1-2
- Hebrews 4:16
- Colossians 3
- John 15:5
I wish this ended with “and now I’m in a great place and I know who I am in Christ fully and totally”, but, I’d be lying. The truth is that I’m still on that journey. I’ve been saved my whole life but for 23 of my 25 years I was being formed in a certain kind of way. I saw God wrongly in a certain kind of way. I operated and sinned in a certain kind of way. I moved and trained my mind in a way that won’t be undone overnight. There is 23 years of stuff that God is working out in me every single day, not to mention the stuff that’s happening currently. I wish I could say I’m fully healed and fully delivered but I’m not. I’m aware of a lot of things and by faith I know I will be healed but I’m learning to become content in my weaknesses.
I started writing again because I believe that there are people out there who are just like me in this very same place I’m in. I feel that there are people of God who genuinely love and follow Him, even leading others to Him, who are still struggling with some or all of the things I mentioned above. I know there are people just like me who believe but still have unbelief. I know that there are people who are called to do something but feel they cannot because they believe that their brokenness disqualifies them.
I just want to encourage myself and everyone else that you are not alone and that God equips those who he has called. He is proud of you and your awareness of yourself. He’s blessed you with awareness of yourself so that you can walk and lead from a place of reality and not fantasy or what you thing you should be. You are in such a good place because you see, more so than those who “have it together”, just how much you desperately need God.