Me, Myself, & Pride.
As I mentioned in previous posts, God has truly been exposing things in my heart in order to bring me to deeper intimacy with Him. One of the main things he’s revealed in me is pride.
I always thought I knew what pride meant, but I realize I didn’t quite understand the depths of it. A year ago, I honestly couldn’t define pride and I definitely did not think pride was something I struggled with (that’s prideful lol). It was something I saw in others but thought I was perfect basically. What I have come to realize over the past 6 months is that pride is the most difficult sin of the heart to detect/identify because it is so subtle at times. Pride is indeed the root of all sin and I realized it had been driving me my entire life. I realized that pride is beneath most of my moral and spiritual struggles, most of my decisions (good and bad), and most of my doing for God.
What is spiritual pride?
Pride is the deep (most times unconscious) belief that one is making things happen in their life. It is a willful choosing of self over God, independence over dependence, and “I got this” over humility. Pride chooses "I:" over others.
Pride is the orignal sin
Growing up I was taught not be prideful. I was taught not to think too highly of myself and that I am no better than anyone (no one is better than anyone). I was taught that I was to see and treat everyone as equal and with the same amount of respect and honor, no matter who they were. I always found this extremely difficult because what I always felt in my depths opposed what I was taught. I didn’t understand it and honestly when I observed the society around me this just didn’t ring true. I did see myself as better/higher (or even beneath/lower) than others. I talked about people (people talked about me) and I was QUICK to talk about someone else’s faults to make myself seem “better”.
“...man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart...”
Pride first became clear (to me) in my life in the above way and in the one place I thought I was being the best Kimmie I could be; church, a place where everyone is supposed to be equal. I became aware of pride in a very blatant way when I began to see people being elevated in the church. Seeing someone be elevated before me or seeing someone I call a friend excelling would bring up all kinds of pride. I thought I was better, more equipped, more ready, and more deserving. I found myself looking at other people and (to myself) pointing out things in their life I felt disqualified them from the level of elevation or success that they were given (comparison). I thought “I’m in seminary, I’m honest, I’m more aware of my soul, and I don’t do the ‘negative’ things that they do.” I’d think things like “They just got saved, they are too new” or “their theology isn’t right.” I would even go so far as to think “they just know the right people and are connected to right leaders”. I was completely discrediting them for OUTWARD things when truly, my HEART was full of pride.
Pride has also been revealed through my deep fear of expressing and displaying weakness. This is one I think is perpetuated immensely in our society which makes it seem even more normal. I always thought it was good to hide weaknesses and for a long time I couldn’t even identify one. I’d cringe when someone would ask “what is your biggest weakness?” I didn’t want to share that because I didn’t want to be seen as a weak person, have people think less of me, or be disqualified. Asking for help was definitely off limits. The “never let em see you sweat” mentality ruled my life and at times still does, especially with those who I feel are more qualified or know more than I know. This dynamic has kept me in a space of projecting “my best self”, which is, in actuality, a false version of myself. It’s the self I think I should be and the self that I’m creating on my own without God.
Pride is even deeper than these two examples that I’ve I shared. It is, as I mentioned, at the root of all sin. There’s something deep down inside of me that thinks I know what’s best for me and I can fulfill my needs better than God can. Moral sin in my life has come from a place of needing comfort and control because God’s comfort wasn’t, seemingly enough, and I didn’t trust Him enough to submit control of my life to him. There are so many avenues I’ve noticed pride operate through in my life and I’ve made a list of indications I’ve found to be true for me. This list gets longer everyday but it keeps me aware.
“[pride] goes back to our first parents in the garden, with their lustful desire to be more than what they were created to be, to reject their very created-ness in lieu of a miserable self-sovereignty.”
Indications of Pride in my life that I’ve noticed so far:
Fault Finding: I look and examine the faults and mistakes of others to justify why I should be where they are.
Harsh & Critical Spirit: Nitpicking everything, even the smallest things without a posture of grace.
Perception: I notice that alot of times I’m striving to be seen and perceived a certain way to others. I want to be seen as greater than I actually am. I don’t wan’t anyone to think lowly or negatively of me.
Inability to admit or show weakness: When I’m hiding or justifying my mistakes or simply leaving the truth out. This usually leads with me giving an excuse for my actions. This also comes about when I don’t want my leaders or those I’m leading to find fault within me. Most times this is accompanied by shame.
Craving Recognition and Attention: I usually sense this when others get recognized or noticed for things that I feel I could be doing just as good or better. I also notice this when I choose to do good things not because they are good but because I want to be noticed.
Preferring to be around some people over others
Lack of Desire to be in community: When I don’t think I need anyone or want anyone to pray for me
Unable to be happy for people around me doing great things
Inability to relinquish control: needing to be in control because of a fear of being let down
Lack of patience for myself and others Eccl 7:8
Lack of Desire to Pray: Sometimes, deep down when I don’t want to pray, it’s because I don’t feel I need to. I feel I don’t need God subconsciously. Psalm 10:4
His Grace is sufficient.
I’ve come to see these indications of pride in the smallest interactions I have. My heart aches about it often. I despair and I begin to feel shame and guilt for my prideful heart.
My initial response most days to my pride is to hide from God. I feel that my heart is janky and He must be upset, but I’m reminded of Adam and Eve and their pride (when they were tempted in the garden). In response to their pride and their mistakes they hid from God when all he wanted was to be near them. When I read how God asks Adam “where are you?” and Adam says “ I was afraid” I cry because God knew exactly where Adam was and what they had done but he wanted them to run to Him, not hide.
“God can move in his grace to produce kingdom fruit despite our pride, but the call for followers of Jesus is to have hearts congruent with his work.”
SUGGESTED READING
- Undetected Pride by Jonathan Edwards
- Seven Subtle Symptoms of Pride
- Pride-- the Original Sin
As I notice pride in my heart I’m beginning to take it to the Lord and thank him for his love, his grace and for his mercy. As I do this I’m giving him space to further reveal roots of pride, yank them out and transform my heart. I’m fighting against it by calling it out. It’s a slow process and I still catch myself (unknowingly) falling into pride and operating in it but God’s grace is sufficient for me. His love covers a multitude of sins.
Pride is a real struggle. It’s nuanced; it goes unnoticed and unchecked. Our culture promotes pride in so many ways (overtly and subtly) and it’s difficult to live against that. It’s hard to deny independence and strength and be dependent and lean into weakness. It’s hard to fully trust that God has your best interest at heart and that he’s not keeping things from us (Genesis 3:5). I struggle with this so much and I want to encourage anyone who may be struggling with this or something similar. You are not alone and I get it. Keep fighting. Keep asking God to expose it. The important thing to remember is that you can’t stop being prideful in your own strength and God doesn’t expect you too, rely on Him.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”