Awareness.

You don’t need to be perfect.

Something I’m still struggling with. Recently I’ve been faced with feeling inadequate because of the weaknesses in my life. I’ve felt unqualified to do what I feel God has called me to do. I’ve felt that I’m not ready because of things God is still working out in me, things that I wish he would heal, but mostly things that I hate about myself. 

As a preacher’s kid, being black, and growing up in the church, I was held to higher standard (or in my mind I was). I basically felt that I needed to be perceived a certain way, pushing down and repressing my true thoughts, feelings and desires. I knew I was being watched not only by my parents but by the community. Privacy was everything. This dynamic followed me into my adult life. This dynamic was a heightened sense of  pride and secrecy. I developed an inability to allow anyone see the truth of who I was, including myself and God (even though he knew better than I did). 

Over time I began to believe that I was who I portrayed my self to be. I was UNAWARE of all the sin and brokenness in my heart. So when ugly things would come up out of me I would respond with self-deprecation (I still do this) or blaming others (not taking ownership). If you can relate you know that by self-deprecation I mean persecuting myself for making mistakes and never forgiving myself. 

Today I find myself looking up a large pile of things I never forgave myself for even though I KNOW God has. I find myself continuing to add things I don’t like about myself to this pile daily, perceiving these things to be things that disqualify me from being who and doing what God has called me to be. Becoming aware of my brokenness intensified this. I feel that I still have so much to work on and I have so far to go. But the truth is that I will never be what I should be. I won’t ever arrive to be the woman I feel I need to be. So if that is the case, now what? 

7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

My pastor directed me to the scripture above (thank God for her). I was ignited with God’s strength, understanding that where I am weak (where I see inadequacy, disqualification, and rejection) in him I am strong. My weakness, as Paul suggests, keeps me leaning on him, seeking him, and relying on his power to do what he’s called me to do. 

I realized that God never called me to be perfect. He doesn’t need me to have it all together, he wants to be with me in my imperfections. If I was perfect, I wouldn’t go to him. I wouldn’t rely on him. He never wanted me to live in secrecy or be private, he desires transparency and to set me free by the word of my testimony. He doesn’t want me to fix myself, he wants me to be AWARE and come to him with my brokenness and receive grace to continue in the way that he’s called me. 

I battled and went back and forth about writing again, starting this blog again, and posting because I looked at all my failed attempts at this. I battled thoughts of “No one is going to read this”, “I’m only going to repeat what has happened before”, and “I’m not where I need to be yet”.  But I realize now that I was doing and writing in my own strength. I was not reliant on God for his grace. So what if I write this and never write again for a couple months. It’s okay. I don’t need to be perfect.