All In My Feelings.
I am a very emotional person so naturally emotions, in my life as a christian, are something that I’ve really struggled with. I find that a-lot of times when speaking with other christians that I’m not alone. A lot of us either feel overly emotional or we just don’t deal with emotions at all. We either stew in them and let them control us or we repress them, try to faith/pray them away, and act as if they don’t exist.
My emotions have been an issue for me and have affected others my whole life. I, for a very long time, thought that something was wrong with me because of how much I cried. I was made to think that I was weak and inadequate because I couldn’t keep control of how my emotions exploded out of me. No matter how hard I tried not to show my feelings, my emotions were expressed in some way; on my face, in my gestures, and in my actions (often leading others to think that I don’t like them). I grew to be deeply ashamed of my feelings but even in the shame I couldn’t do anything about it. Feelings would come up and I would face anxiety and emotional distress desperately trying to eliminate those feelings (which led to self-condemnation and even self-hatred). People would call me sensitive, overly emotional, or dramatic. I took on these labels consciously and subconsciously which further exacerbated the dynamic of self-hatred over something I could not control.
As a Christian, things were made even more difficult. I would hear sermons like “actions lead, feelings follow” or “don’t follow your emotions” and “your feelings don’t dictate reality”. I had began to think that emotions were bad, especially anger. I had internalized all of this and began to reject my feelings. I became frustrated with myself because no matter how much I prayed over my thought life, read scripture, took captive every thought etc. feelings and emotions were still very strong. They didn’t just dissapear.
As I grew in my relationship with God, I found that this dynamic was not going away, it was actually getting worse (I was becoming more aware of the fact that, I, in my own strength cannot control my emotions). My relationship and conversations with God were starting to diminish because I could not decipher between my feelings and the voice of God. I’d gotten to such a place of exhaustion with this dynamic that I could not take it anymore. In September, I began going to Spiritual Direction , which is one of the best things I’ve ever done (I recommend this to any and everyone), and some of the things I talked about with my director was my emotions, my feelings, and confusion. She shared an analogy with me that changed the way I saw myself and my emotions. It deepened my relationship with God.
The Round-Table of Emotions
She began to explain that our emotions are windows into our soul and into what is happening in our subconscious life. Our emotions, especially the unexplained ones, are telling a story of the things we may not be dealing with consciously. She explained to me that God could and would speak to me through my emotions, not that my emotions are correct, but if I lean in and listen to them, I can see things through them and in light of them.
She then had me imagine having a roundtable discussion with all of my feelings and emotions. She instructed me to allow my feelings: anger, peace, frustration, joy, confusion, happiness, hope, fear, love and sadness etc., to all have a seat at this table. She said to allow each feeling and emotion time to speak and express, meaning that I would sit and give space for myself to actually feel that emotions. She told me to make sure I understand that some days fear might be speaking louder than peace, some days all my emotions wouldl have something to say, and other days none of them would have anything to say (numbness). The important thing to remember is that they have a space to speak but they do not control the conversation. You are the mediator. Some days you may have to command joy to speak, you may have to speak life into peace, and you may have to fight with fear.
“And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.”
The thing to remember about the roundtable is not just allowing your feelings to speak, it’s hearing the depth of what they are saying. Fear may be speaking but this is an opportunity to really have a dialogue with God on why fear still has the loudest voice, where the fear is rooted, and what God might be revealing through the fear. Fear is not of God, but what is this saying about where you are and maybe where your priorities are?
The difference between this approach and my former approach is not that it’s easier or that I feel better (at all), it’s that I’m not suppressing my emotions and quieting what is happening in my heart, I’m actually giving space for god to search me (Psalm 139). I’m attending to myself by allowing and giving space to attend to my emotions. This has been monumental for me because before, I would suppress feelings and they’d come out of me in moments that did not warrant a heightened level of emotion. I’d be having a small disagreement and all of a sudden it was a huge blow-up. After repressing and suppressing for so long, my feelings and emotions began to subconsciously rule my life without me knowing. As a result, I had given real estate in my heart to pain, trauma, anger, and resentment. Something that might have happened years ago that I thought I’d moved on from would come up and I’d feel affected or triggered in moments that weren’t related.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!”
One of my favorite quotes is “Awareness is the gift.” God is not calling us to ignore, reject, or persecute our thought life, our feelings, and our emotions. He calls us to bring those things to Him at His feet. He calls us to be exposed before him in our raw feelings and emotions. He’s calling us to be aware. I realize the more I deal with my emotions, the more I get to know God and the more I get to know myself because He knows me deeper than I know myself. He alone has the explanation and answer for my emotions. It is only being with him, IN MY FEELINGS, that he can reveal those things to me.