Rest.
“Grace is not opposed to EFFORT, it is opposed to earning.”
I feel like this is probably a topic a lot of people talk about (it’s actually something I’ve talked quite a bit about to people I find myself in conversations with) but walking this out is something completely different. It’s actually one of my biggest struggles, currently and I want to share a bit of my perspective.
Our society is a “no days off” , “hard work pays off”, “you have to earn everything”, “you can sleep when you die” society. Our society says get money by any means necessary, even if that means you have nothing left to give the people you love or even God. Although I don’t think these are bad motivators, I do, think that this mentality has made it very hard to do things in light of God’s grace, his mercy, his favor, and his heart as a FATHER. We’re completely self-reliant and self-earning. We go and go and go and never sit still. Everything is “If I do, then I get” or “If don’t do, then I don’t get” and that’s opposite of the Gospel. Weakness is frowned upon in our society. Being strong is often the tune to which we step to unknowingly (pride). Growing up and being an adult in this society is made difficult because we are humans and we have limits but we are expected to live limitless. We are expected to work and continue on through trauma, physical ailments, pain, loss, and even child birth. Our jobs and universities put so many impossible expectations, amounts of work, and deadlines upon us that we believe that’s the way life is supposed to be. We even look down on those who do rest and say “they must not be desperate enough” or “they don’t want it bad enough” or “they must not need that much help”. We take pride in being able to do things that are humanly impossible.
Embracing my end has been quite the challenge. There’s the fear of people seeing and perceiving me as weak, as a quitter, as not trying hard enough, and as a failure. I have fear that I’m being seen as lazy which makes me question if I might actually be lazy. But also, there is a part of me that feels deep down inside that my identity is attached to being seen as strong, as super-woman, and as a person who ALWAYS perseveres. There’s a part of me that needs to earn the approval of people in this regard. I’ve even used the scriptures to push myself past my limits; “I can do all things through Christ...” or “suffer for the sake of christ”. I talk my self into not giving up or saying no because of what people may think of me. I think of who I will disappoint, what opportunities may slip away, and what I may miss out on if I don’t just persevere. Rest is often the furthest thing from my mind. I find myself at times doing so much and saying yes to things even if it means I don’t spend personal time with God. I rarely stop to think what I might miss out on if I don’t rest.
SUGGESTED SCRIPTURES
- Hebrews 4
- 2 Corinthians 12:1-10
- Matthew 11:25-30
- Isaiah 14:3-4
- Mark 6:31
SUGGESTED BOOKS
Story Time (It’s kind of cheesy but so real)
This dynamic really became clear to me during my first prayer retreat in seminary last September. We went up to Hilltop Renewal Center at Idyllwild. It was about 30 miles up a mountain. It was one of the most beautiful sites I’ve ever seen. During this retreat we all went into moments of solitude in nature. There were different lookout points that we could hike up while we communed with God. I found myself sitting at the bottom of a hiking trail. I conflicted because I was tired and I just wanted to sit and read the scripture we were meditating on and talk to God but I felt this nagging pressure to make one of the hikes. Everyone else was. I sat and wrestled so much so that my focus was not even on God (that was the whole point of solitude).
Someone happened to walk by and said “Hey Kimmie! You gotta go up to the lookout point.” This fueled me. I took this as a sign from God for me to make the hike, it didn’t help that I was reading about Zacchaeus who climbed up a tree just to see Jesus. I said to myself “you know what? If he can do that to see Jesus, so can I”. So I started the hike. I got a fourth of the way up and found myself out of breath, grasping for air. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced. I knew I was out of shape but this was unusual. I had to keep going. I had convinced myself I was doing this to myself as an effort to be with God but truthfully I just needed to be able to earn the right to say I made it up (and be able to engage in conversation about the hike without feeling left out and unaccomplished). I went up a little further and found myself in tears. I fell to my knees. I was too tired to make it. The voices in my head kept telling me to “go, it’ll be so worth it” and “you can do this” although I physically could not move. It wasn’t about meeting God at all. It was about how valuable it would be for me to say I finished.
In that moment God met me right there on that mountain. I related to him as Father like never before. He said to me “it’s okay that you can’t do it. It’s okay. No one is going to think differently of you. I love you even more. You are weak, and that’s okay.” I turned around and cried my way all the way back down. I sat and experienced so much freedom and such release. Later on I shared this experience with the group and to my surprise others had this same experience. Later that day we all went up to the very same lookout point I’d attempted and I didn’t feel tired at all this time (lol crazy).
“There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. ”
“And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.””
So?
Rehashing this moment has reminded me (now as I’m in a space of needing rest again and am feeling shame) that I have limits and I have weaknesses. Although perseverance is a huge part of my faith, there are some things that I feel I need to persevere through that God is bot asking me to persevere through. There are some things that he is asking me to rest and trust in. I’m not saying go be a bum or to abuse God’s grace. I am saying that God is a God who has promised rest to his children. A good father wouldn’t want his children to work themselves into sickness, stress, feeling overwhelmed, exhaustion, anxiety, worry, and depression. That’s not his character. Although sometimes saying no to things don’t make sense but it makes spiritual sense. It makes God sense. For me, saying no has forced my faith to deepen and my dependence on God to increase.
In discerning the work of God in my life I see this dynamic coming up over and over again in deeper and deeper ways. I’m seeing this same pattern from that day on the hike come up time and time again. As he continues to shine light on these things, I realize that he’s showing me exactly where I place my value and my identity. It’s the things I do, how impressive I can be, and how much I can accomplish. I’m witnessing him strip me of false identity, one thing at a time. It sucks but he’s reforming me to see myself as a daughter. Not a slave, a worker, a student, a pastor, or whatever it is that I find value in saying that I am or that I do. I’m realizing that embracing my limits means choosing rest and SOMETIMES saying no to amazing/needed opportunities, understanding that God is my provider.
“ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I’m realizing that I have nothing to give if I don’t rest and fill up on him alone. I’m realizing that doing things through christ means to abide and that I do things in union with him, attentive to the spirits work in my life. I do things reliant on him. I do things in light of grace as God giving himself to me in my weakness. It seems crazy but it’s the way of faith. I’m not saying working hard and putting in effort is a bad thing, I’m saying I’ve had to really check my heart on my motives for working hard and often neglecting the one who I say I’m doing things for, “God”.
I want to encourage anyone that is feeling this pressure. I’m with you. Everyday I’m learning more and more about God’s rest. I want to encourage you to discern patterns in your life that have perpetuated this dynamic of earning and working to the point of exhaustion. For some people it may be that you grew up a certain way and you don’t want to end up in a bad space in life, or maybe you were taught this dynamic, maybe you have fear of failure, or maybe you just find joy in this space. Either way, I’m with you and I’m trying to grow in confidence that God can provide for me in all of these ways more than I ever could. He is asking for my effort, but he is not asking me to be overwhelmed in my efforts.