Guilt + Shame.
Guilt and shame have held me captive for most of my Christian life. It suffocates me. At times I’ve felt the weight of guilt so heavy that it’s crippled me. The heaviness of shame, I’ve felt, has disqualified me. Guilt and shame have stopped me from doing so much of what I’ve felt like God has asked me to do, it even stopped from fully surrendering to Lord for most of my life. But mostly, it has prohibited me from being who God has called me to be, his daughter, and having what he’s called me to have, an intimate/vulnerable relationship with him.
Hiding & Covering
Outside of pride, these are the two things I struggle with the most. So much so that I don’t know which one I’m feeling at times. As I grow in knowledge of myself I recognize myself falling into guilt and shame in the smallest of situations as well as the major situations. I find myself despairing in the things I’ve done or haven’t done, saying no, missing an important event, falling into moral sin, and the biggest one for me, losing control of my emotions.
Suggested Reading:
- Total Forgiveness by R.T Kendall
- Beloved Dust by Kyle Strobel
- Guilt & Shame The Gospel Coalition
Losing control of my emotions is the number one trigger for guilt and shame in my life. In my post “All in My Feelings” I talk about my emotions in depth. I talk about how sometimes in hard situations I experienced heightened emotions when the situation may not be calling for that level of emotion. I also talk about the roundtable of emotions that help me to manage them. However, sometimes I bypass this process (naturally). I don’t have the strength to fight every time and I lose control. What happens then? I begin to feel shame in having emotions at all. I feel guilty for not managing my emotions and I feel ashamed for the way my emotions explode out of me. Wishing I were different, I fall into deep despair.
“Shame has plagued us since Adam and Eve bit into the fruit and realized they were naked. Their first instinct was to hide from each other and God (Genesis 3:7–11). And no wonder. They now stood guilty before God and were vulnerable to each other and Satan in a whole new horrible way. ”
What is guilt?
The experience of feeling bad about something you have done wrong. Also experiencing fear for of higher authority for what has been done wrong. Feeling the need to repay something because you've done wrong.
Guilt is usually tied to an event.
Example: "What I did is so bad" or "I did something wrong"
What is shame?
The experience of corruption and badness in the presence of someone else or God, a feeling that something is wrong inside and outside. A feeling not being able to bear being seen as you are.
Shame is tied to a person.
Example: "I am internally bad" or "Something is wrong with me"
My feelings of guilt and shame usually feel the strongest right after I’ve realized what I’ve done or realized that I’m not “changing.” I try speaking into my situation that “Guilt is not of God” and “There is therefore now no condemnation…” I even try to remember that “we all sin and fall short…” I know it, yet, I don’t always feel it. I’ve come to realize that just saying these things alone don’t make the guilt go away and do not cause shame to subside, especially if I don’t believe it in my heart.
I’ve reacted to guilt and shame by being overly apologetic to God and the people who may have encountered what I’ve done. I realized that I hide from God by over-compensating. I begin to submerge myself in task oriented actions to ease my guilt and eliminate shame (things that make me feel like a better person). When people are involved my actions have looked like writing a long text or note of how I sorry I am and owning my mistakes or going out of my way to prove myself to them. When I’ve felt like I’ve let God down, it has been the same response. I immerse myself into the word, I make an effort to pray more, I spend less time watching TV and do more spiritual things. I say “I’m just filling up my spirit” but in actuality I’m hiding and covering guilt and shame; I’m trying to prove my worth to God without feeling too terrible. I’ve failed to actually sit and dwell with God in reality, where I am. These responses are not bad in and of themselves, but often my heart behind it is for me more than anything. I’m not actually working through what I’m feeling or giving God space to heal my heart. My actions are truly to get rid of the discomfort I’m feeling as a result of guilt and shame.
What I’ve realized is that the discomfort I feel can only be eased by being open and honest with God in prayer, sitting in his presence and being vulnerable (presenting the worst of myself to him). For me this means feeling guilty and being ashamed before him. I have to sit in his presence, tell him why I feel guilty, why I feel shame, and express my frustration. I have to ask him for comfort, revelation, and peace. Often times I end prayer and feel that nothing has changed. I still may feel guilt and shame. I’ve realized that this is the case because most of the guilt and shame I feel are attached to things I’ve been dealing with my whole life and will be a process of healing.
With this in mind, I notice a lot of times I walk away still feeling guilt and shame because I have not forgiven myself for these life-long issues. As a result, guilt and shame are often attached to my inability to receive forgiveness and ultimately forgive myself for things from my past. Most times this comes in a fear that what I’ve done threatens my relationship with others or my thinking that my actions have affected my future in a negative way or that God won’t bless me. This angers me and causes me to subconsciously reject the forgiveness that God has granted me (on the cross) and forfeits any chance of forgiving myself. In these moments I try to allow my guilt and shame to drive me to the cross, to recognize what God did to cancel guilt. He died for me and calls me to complete forgiveness. I realized that the enemy attacks me with guilt and shame to distort my perception of who God says I am in Christ. Recognizing this fact does not eliminate guilt and shame but this truth does give me a weapon to fight with because I can see clearly what the enemy is doing and call him out on it.
In Conclusion
“He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
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In closing I want to bring up one thing that I’ve found to be very difficult when dealing with guilt and shame. I often find myself mistaking guilt and conviction. Many times I’ve noticed that I find myself feeling convicted of something I’ve done but as lean in I recognize that the “conviction” I’m experiencing is actually a feeling of false guilt. I may be feeling awful for something I’ve done during that day or even in my past. For me I’m mostly convicted for being quick to speak and also making decisions outside of prayer. Conviction is nothing more than God brining us to an awareness of what we’ve done and draws us to repentance. Conviction does not feel like a weight (guilt does). I mentioned that when I moved to LA I did not pray about it much and for the first year I was here I felt “convicted” about it even though I had already repented asked for God’s mercy and grace. Once repentance has taken place any weighty feelings that still linger are guilt and possibly shame. One of the enemy’s main jobs is to accuse us even though we are forgiven. He’s really annoying like that but I want to assure you that our accuser has been defeated and he has been put to shame.
“Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say, The salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have now come, because the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been thrown down.”
The things I’ve mentioned may seem trivial. This isn’t a post encouraging you to “stop feeling guilt and shame”. This a post encouraging you to feel them but know you are not held captive by them. I’m not saying you should feel guilt and shame, I’m saying to feel the weight of these emotions with the Lord and allow him to walk your through it in light of how you feel. Allow him to reveal the source of it. Dwell with him there. Don’t try faith/scripture guilt and shame away, you’re only covering it. Yes, speak the truth of what the word says about guilt and shame, but do this after you’ve acknowledged them. I know often times when I’m feeling guilt or shame and I sit with the Lord I feel more guilt and more shame but in 1 John we see that when sit in God’s presence our hearts may condemn us but God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything, beyond how we may feel. The word doesn’t say we won’t feel guilt and shame but reassures us that we are not guilty and we are loved.
“By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.”
Maybe you experience guilt and shame in different ways than I do. Maybe it’s more moral, or maybe you’re feeling guilt and shame for your past, or maybe you’re just ashamed of where you are currently in life and you feel guilty because your choices got you there. Maybe your responses look different than mine do. Maybe you respond by blaming others or not taking accountability. Maybe you become depressed or experience anxiety. Maybe you just don’t want to deal with it at all. These responses and feelings are all NORMAL and VALID. Take them to the Lord and be with him there. Allow him to reveal roots.
I realize the more that I cover guilt and shame in my actions and doing, the more intimacy I’m losing out on with God. The more time that goes by without intimacy with Him, the more I see God as a judge and less as a loving Father. He is a loving father who sees and knows the worst of us in ways that we don’t even know ourselves. Guilt and shame are not from Him but I’ve learned that it’s important to take guilt and shame to Him. We were never meant to bare it own our own.
“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”